Unprecedented

I take pictures. I love it. I pretend to be a photographer and I get to be a part of creating lovely and memorable portraits for families that they can look back on over the years to put a bookmark in time. I believe in the importance of the hallmark event of the "family portrait".

However, I loathe having my picture taken. Truly, it is traumatic experience for me and becomes one for those around me. I am always shocked at the result of the photograph because I think I look so very different than what the photograph produces. I am all gums, my eyes disappear, cheeks to store acorns, and clearly need to hit the gym. Could this be a more shallow reason to keep my son from having pictures of him Mommy at the different stages of our family?!? It's wrong and I know it.

We are required to send photographs of our family to our agency as some part of this whole documentation process. Great. We (I) waited until the last possible moment, woke up one Saturday morning and realized I could hide no more.

It was quick. It was relatively painless. We did laugh and have fun. Instead of "CHEESE", we said, "LUUUCCCYYYY!". It only seems fair to share for those family and friends who said it couldn't be done.... was that a flying pig?!?!

Thank you Sally.

4 Weeks Old

Happy First Month to our little Guatabundle.

She is 2 days old in this picture.

To read about and see more pics of Luciana from the day we first "met" her, click here: http://peachesncinnamon.blogspot.com/2007/07/introducing-luciana.html

What We Did When We Got "The Call"

On June 17th I had written a post describing my rapid and not so subtle unraveling of nerves while waiting for "the call" to say we had been matched with a baby. That day was our 7 year anniversary and we had enjoyed a lovely weekend away. It was in the final hours of that weekend, while walking and enjoying last moments, harbor views, and gorgeous skylines that I invented the "what is the first thing you are going to do when we get the call" game. That, my friends, was the beginning of a truly ugly week of emotions.

I was a mess. I didn't recognize myself in this state of jumbled, crumbling, blubbering emotion. My head did not agree with what was happening to me. Be strong, be patient. You know what you signed up for. Adoption is hard... in every possible meaning of the word. Breath.

I couldn't. I cried all the time.

On a day soon after returning from our anniversary, K, in his gentle way, asked why I thought this particular time was proving to be so hard for me. In that moment, it was clear to me. She had been born. I knew it. I felt it. I was pulled by every fiber of my being into the most clear awakening to the realization, no... the certainty, that our daughter had been born. And, with that came an aching I just don't have the words to explain. The other side of all this emotion was another certainty. I knew I would be okay if only we would just get the referral. I just needed to get my eyes on her. I needed to know in my head what my heart already knew.

Looking back now, and seeing that Miss Luciana was born the day after that post, I can't help but smile. A mother's instinct? And, as promised (or hoped), I am fine. For now. I would happily bring her home today, this very moment, but that was never in the big picture that is adoption. It is simply not our turn. I take great comfort in knowing (another mother's instinct) that she is well cared for and loved. I have had a few tearful moments, but they have come at more reasonable times. For instance, a tear for my son placing pictures of Luciana in an album next to his own baby pictures. Love, love, love. Now, I have more tears for those moments, and fewer in the everyday tasks that might suggest one who has lost her senses while bawling over a commercial for a movie about surfing penguins!!

Right, so to the point of the title of this post. It occurred to me that I had not described how we found out and what we did. It was so entirely without fanfare, that it was almost a second thought to share it... except that I think about it all the time.

I came home after swimming with Leslie & Kathleen. It was after 7:00PM, so I sort of settled on the idea that that day's window had closed. I came home to find K sitting at my laptop. A daring move on his part as I am mildly protective of my laptop. But, before I could shoo him, I noticed a look on his face that sent me jumping into his lap and staring at the screen. There it was. An email. He had not opened it (good choice), but the subject line was all the clue we needed. We clicked, and there she was. We stared. And stared. Cliche alert: Time stopped. I know I was crying, I know we were hugging, but it was one of those moments that truly becomes foggy all around the edges and makes it soft and slow and slightly difficult to remember, except that you know you were experiencing one of the most memorable moments of your life. And, just what did we do when we got the call that turned out to be an email? Well, nothing for about 30 minutes... then we called our parents and cried and giggled and made promises to keep this to ourselves for a few days... then we called more family, and more friends, and then wrote emails and totally blew all the advice we had ever heard about staying grounded and shouted out excitement from the rooftops! That's what we did.

Much love.

Frogs, Hippos & Other Girly Things

At the end of our Big Brother celebration, K, S and I each decided to buy something for the baby. K picked out the lavender outfit, I chose pink striped PJ's (I am go crazy for stripes) and a strawberry dress with matching hat, S went for the blue shaky hippo and 2 green frog rattles. I love him. He took his task to heart, checking each rattle until he was sure he had the right one for his baby sister. It was the perfect end to a grand celebration.

Note the strawberry on the bum. Come on!

Love, love, love.

Big Brother Celebration

We struggled a bit with when and how to tell S about receiving the referral. It was easy to imagine that he would become anxious for Luciana to come home and have a lot of questions that would be challenging to answer. But, after only two days of hiding in the kitchen to talk on the phone in whispers about the "news", it became obvious that it was time to tell him...or risk future therapy to undo the paranoia I was surely beginning to cause in him. Anyway, we have been honest with him throughout this process, and he has done nothing but amaze us. This was no different.

I had done a little prep work on the topic earlier in the day explaining that we expected to hear about the baby soon, that when we did we would receive pictures, that it would still be a very long time before she comes home with us. We talked about how it is not our turn to have her, but we already love her. Anyway, when we showed him her pictures, he just stared in silence and smiled. We talked about the foster mom in the picture and how happy she looked, we noted Lucy's kissable cheeks and happy smirk, we talked about her hair, how little she was, on and on. He just stared. When the last picture appeared, he looked at us and said with a smile, "show me again".

S's face in this makes me laugh... enough pictures already!

Daddy's Boy

That night, we celebrated! We went to the beach and got pier fries and pizza slices. We took our treat of a dinner down to the the beach and had such a nice time. We watched people attempt to swim in the still cold water, watched people on rides, played a couple of arcade games, all the while smiling and feeling like a family who had truly changed in a way that only we knew. We walked around together in a bit of an elated daze and made a good fuss over S in his new role as Big Brother. A truly lovely night.








Later, we shopped. Just a little.

Much love.

Introducing Luciana!!

As most of you know by now, we got the "call"! We have been referred a baby, and we could not be happier. We received an email with pictures and some very limited information on June 26. The baby was born June 18, so she was only 8 days old when we first "met" her. (Love at first sight was only this real when we first held Sam.) She was 5 lbs 8 oz. at birth.

We will keep most of the limited information we have about her birthmother private at this time in order to give her as much respect as we can. All we can say is how much we have had her in our thoughts as she has gone through what must be a truly agonizing decision to choose adoption for her daughter, and we pray she knows how much her baby is already loved.

We accepted her referral after receiving medical and lab reports. We were lucky to have an over the phone consultation with Dr. Lisa Albers from Boston Children's. She was able translate and clarify the medical and lab reports we received from Guatemala and her overall feeling was that she seemed in good health, though small, which we expected. Oh, and she was sure to mention that she is "very cute". Smart woman.

Here is the site that shares some insight from the lovely Dr. Albers:
http://www.childrenshospital.org/views/june03/adoption.html

A lot has happened these last three weeks, but if you are reading this right now, you are really tuned in for are the pics.... am I right?

Ladies and gentleman, feast your eyes on this bundle of love:

She is 2 days old in this picture. Smiling. She knows she is loved.

Our little bundle.

I dream of kissing these cheeks.

What about her name?!?! We have decided to use Luciana as a first name. (I could write an entire post about the thoughts that went into here name!) She will have 2 middle names. One will be my Mimi's maiden name, the other will be her birthmother's last name. And of course, the oh so Italian last name... girl, all together, it's a mouthful! This name has the strength of many strong and smart women that Miss Luciana will be lucky to learn about in years to come.

Now that the news is out, I will try to get back to regularly scheduled posting. I have had so many moments over the last few weeks that need to be recorded for the sake of journaling; we have had so many loving and supportive words and gestures from friends and family that I want to remember; Sam has been so generous and grounded and sincere with his love for a little sister he has yet to meet.... all these things will be processed further. For now, it is just a joy to share our 4 week old baby girl with you all.

Much love.

So busy... waiting

16 days ago our agency said they hope to have a referral for us within the month... maybe sooner, maybe later. That was 16 days ago. I have no cause to be anxious, no reason to check the inbox of my email every time I pass the office, no excuse for taking my cell phone from room to room as I go about the day. But, I do. That, and more. I am a little pathetic. And, the funny thing is, I think I am hiding this OCD behavior from the world. Not so.

Keith is totally on to me. He has played along with all of my neurotic attempts at passing the days. The latest distraction is a trivia game the beauty of which is that it can be played anytime, anywhere!! It is called: WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU ARE GOING TO DO WHEN WE GET THE CALL? The game consists of me saying, "What is the first thing you are going to do when we get the call?" And, then... he answers. Tricky, right???

While walking along Boston Harbor while celebrating our anniversary (7 years, thank you!), he was forced to play this game no less than 4 times... so patient. His answers ranged from the adorable (drive immediately to babys 'r' us and buy a pink dress) to the absurd (call her in Guatemala and introduce myself), and I truly appreciate his willingness to entertain my obsession. He is a lovely and kind man who deserves far better than scrambled eggs for dinner on Father's Day.

Well, as the title says, we are so busy. Our way too full schedule helps with the illusion that we are patient while we wait. But it is just that; an illusion.

I am giving away the magician's secret; tipping my cards, as they say.
Drum role please..........running around like a lunatic keeps me sane.

It looks something like this:

playdate, check email

sign Sam up for swim/tennis/soccer, check phone

get ready for brother's wedding (yay!), check email

workout, church, family... phone, email, phone

The crazier our schedule, the more to do, the less (seemingly) we stress about waiting.

16 days down. Any day now we will see a picture of our daughter. What will be the first thing we do when we get the call? Hmmmmmm.

Much love.

Mini Victories

This post will only be interesting to those who like a good mystery that ends with the hero unraveling the injustices of the world by spending endless hours hunched over a mountain of paperwork, coffee to his left, heart skipping a beat as he discovers the crime will soon be solved by unravelling a discrepancy between 2 dueling documents... yup, a real thriller!

I think I may create a bumper sticker that says: I documents!

The truth is, there is a lot of paperwork, and though most of it is simple enough, there are snags along the way. We were promised to expect said "snags", and that promise has delivered. However, as it is all par for the course, we are still hanging in there with great patience and calm... usually.

For those who like the paper trail:

We have completed 95% of our paperwork. We chased down signatures, had everything notarized, drove to Augusta to have each one state sealed (little cash register sounds just rang in my head), and sent everything to Miami where our agency is located. That 95% complete dossier (word for collection of papers) have been SENT TO GUATEMALA to be translated!! I love this fact. It is amazing to me. Victory No. 1!

What of this 5% that remains incomplete?!!? Oh. My.

One unsuspecting document has proven to be the bein of my existence: Keith's employment reference. Such an innocent little piece of paper in theory. It went something like this:
Keith requested the letter in February. After several gentle reminders to HR, the letter arrived in late March. Because it was signed and notarized out of state, we had to have it sealed (stay with me) out of state, only we sent it to the wrong state (misinformed by agency), so it was sent back, then sent to the correct state, sealed, sent back, and is sitting in my office... Victory No. 2. (Got a map: North Carolina, Maine, Florida, Maine, Georgia, Maine, soon to Florida, then Guatemala... what does that translate to in frequent flier miles?!?!?! )

The more predictably difficult document involves immigration stuff. We filed the I600-A with the Department of Homeland Security. We were then sent a date to be fingerprinted. We were disappointed with the date, so we walked into DHS and they allowed us to do them right then and there... Victory No. 3! Beginning the day after fingerprinting, in April, we have run to the mailbox in anticipation of receiving the 171-H. (This is the birthchild of the I600-A and fingerprinting.) After more than 2 weeks, the day came. The DHS stamp was winking at me from its place in the top left corner of the envelope... which felt smaller than I had imagined. I ran (it's true) to my neighbor's with mail in hand, needing to have someone to share the moment with. I think I may have danced a little in her driveway (right, Sally?). ANYWAY, as you are anticipating, it was not the 171-H, it was a notice to tell us that there was an error and all the steps we would need to take to remedy this error. Crushing.
As is my life, I made a million phone calls... Keith, Mom, case worker, agency, Bobbi... and came to the decision that when working with DHS it is best to go face-to-face. Keith met me at the office the following day. While waiting for him, I chatted with my favorite security fella about the illustrations he was drawing for the children's book he is writing. (Everyone has a story.) Keith came, we chatted with the friendly DHS lady, gave her our letter, and were promised our form "soon". Victory...sort of.

Finally, to round out or 5%... we need a family picture to submit with the dossier. As I have been told by more than one person, this should be the easiest part of this whole deal. BUT, ask anyone who knows me, I loathe having my picture taken. It physically pains me, which may explain why I spend so much time on the other end of the camera. Anyway, we have made a promise to snap that pic on the day the 171-H arrives. I figure we will be all smiles, so it seems fitting!

While writing these details, it needs to be said, that my heart has not forgotten that each of these little headaches, and each mini victory, are all part of paper paved path that leads us to our baby. Love, love, love.

And, while writing this, it is already 80 degrees (yay!) and we need to hit the beach!!
My next post will be simply stated: 171-H has arrived.

Until then, much love.

Home Study 101

No one tells you that the Home Study is like, ummm, I guess, a pop quiz. Except you have had 31 years to prepare because the test is all about "you". A fill-in-the-blank of your whole life. A True/False of your marriage, your family, and childhood. A short answer of your parenting beliefs. AND, a multiple choice of all things personal; past, present, and future.

We had a great visit with our case worker. Really. She is lovely, kind, funny, and very gentle with her incredibly detailed and very thorough questions. We really had a nice time meeting with her. I love talking about anything and everything that comes around to our daughter. It's just sort of intense. Imagine the most important job interview of your life. You prepare, you know your facts, you look the part, you know you are the best person for the job... bring it on! Then, whoa! The questions come. Keith, tell me how you fist knew that you loved Beth. Beth, what qualities did you first admire about Keith. What is challenging in your marriage? How do you discipline Sam, how do you solve problems, what was your childhood like, why did you get a speeding ticket in 2000?????? That's not to get into the topics that actually pertained to adoption!! Well, it all went well and we are happy to be moving forward. (Sigh of relief.)

What's to come?

Our case worker will meet with one of our references. (Oh, to be a fly on the wall.) She will write our Home Study report. (That should be a good read!) Then we will begin to collect the paperwork that will make up our dossier. Ideally, this information would go to Guatemala, but we are less certain of that with each passing day. We are considering other countries to proceed with and are relying on input from some very smart people.

Here is a link for those interested in "what is going on with adoption in Guatemala????".

http://www.guatadopt.com/archives/000600.html#000600

It is all very disheartening, and we are hopeful for those families who are already invested in bringing their child home from Guatemala.

Though we are not entirely sure of how we will proceed, we are truly committed to bringing our child home... wherever she may be. Stay tuned.

Oh, and loved this book, too. It was practically written with Sam in mind and he loves to hear the point of view of the big brother!

Much love.

Snow Day!!

I don't know what it is about a snow day! I just love them. We have had a totally relaxing day, it's been great to stay in Pj's and just do "whatever".

The only problem with a day to lounge is that it provides way too much time to casually pop on the Internet and read the many, many articles regarding the status of adoption in Guatemala. It is very disheartening, and I really don't know what we are going to do. Luckily, I guess, we are still in the Home Study process, so we do not need to make a final decision yet. I just want to.

I spend a lot of time thinking about those who are already in the process. We have become friends with a couple who are supposed to bring their son home in a few days, but that is not happening now. They will be bringing him home at the end of the month, and that is the real blessing. I wonder about all the other families who are waiting. I have read such strength and love in the stories of those who are willing to share. This is an amazing community we find ourselves among. We have a long way to go, but we know, like so many others, that there is a child that belongs with our family and we will do what is needed to bring her home.

I am looking for guidance on this ever looming decision. We are very fortunate to have a small and wise support group who are helping us process the real and unreal details surrounding the ongoing debacle (as one friend called it). The prevailing opinion of the moment is to wait and see. In the meantime, it doesn't hurt to gather information about the adoption process for other countries.

Man! I was in a happy-go-lucky snow day kind of mood, and now I have gone and "journaled" a whole heap of worries! Enough of that.

Another upside to a snow day is cleaning. WHAT?!? Those who know me well just dropped jaw, but I am serious. I puttered in between this and that, and my house is clean!! With Home Study Part 2 just around the corner, I am quite pleased with myself. Whether we can maintain this museum like appearance (ha!) for the next several days... well... nah, it will never happen. Well, at least the house looks nice for my in-laws who are joining us this evening.

Finally, here are some upcoming events that interested me:

Would love to check this out.
http://www.porttix.com/shop/item.asp?itemid=1001

Hmmmm.... should I? It may be too late, but worth looking into.
http://www.mainetrackclub.com/safepassageinfo.html

Much love.

Peaches & Cinnamon

The continuation of the "Things Sam Says":

Over the past several weeks, we have danced delicately around our unanimous family decision to add to our family through adoption. We were conscious to not talk too much or too little about "it" in the beginning. We didn't want to talk so much that we built up Sam's excitement and let him down, knowing this would be a very long process. We didn't want to talk too little, knowing he would have questions and that he would be hearing us talk with others about it. So far, it is all feeling okay. Not too hot, not too cold, just right.... just read Goldilocks today.

Sam and I were recently at Borders looking at this book and that. With my copy of the newest book club choice and Sam's copy of the new Charlotte's Web Easy Reader, we ventured into the travel section. I casually snagged a copy of a travel guide for Central America, and feeling on a roll, inquired about Children's Literature on the topic of adoption. (I Love You Like Crazy Cakes) With our bundle of books and a couple of well placed chocolates from the checkout line, we headed home to crack open our new lit. I love new books. And, I really love days like the one this became. We had braved the cold and wind to traverse the mean and unforgiving parking lot, and felt totally justified in curling up on the couch under a shared blanket to laze away the afternoon with our new reads. It was a dream.

Well, it came to the moment when I was thumbing through the Guatemala section of the travel guide. Sam, always curious, asked what I was looking at. I showed him the pictures and maps of where his sister might be born. He immediately wanted to find a picture of a little girl. We had previously talked about the idea that a little sister born in another country will have a different color skin than he does. His response was instant and pure.... he simply informed us that, "everyone has different color skin, that makes us special." More love, love, love. So, feeling comfortable with his lovely view on the world, it was fun to search the pages with him. We also read Crazy Cakes, and I was left, again, with the feeling like Sam is just taking this all in stride. It is a great help to me.

So, this leads me to Peaches and Cinnamon.

Much later on the same day of books and cuddles, Sam asked if we could talk about the 'baby" again. I remember having this very laptop in my lap and tossing it to the side as he crawled up next to me. I asked what he wanted to talk about. Among many topics, he asked me what color he was, and what color would she be?? Without really thinking too much about it, I said he was sort of a peachy color. He checked out his hands and arms and agreed that that was about right. I said that I thought she would probably be more like a cinnamony shade of pretty. He giggled. A lot. He said he liked cinnamon. It was such a tiny moment in time. I remember just feeling goofy and teasing, "Peaches and cinnamon, mmmmmmm, I am going to have such tasty kids, I will just have to eat you up!" It is so small to write this, because it felt so much more. It was two seconds, but it was this feeling of complete normalcy in talking about our growing family. Well, anyway, he loves that Keith and I will have Peaches and Cinnamon for kids, and he loves when I pretend to gobble him up. When we were painting days later, he included a fourth member of our family and was careful to ask which paint to use to show Cinnamon. True love.


I have to add, in a moment of curiosity, I Googled "Peaches and Cinnamon"... I found some fantastically delicious recipes for cobblers, pies, and crumbles... Mmmmm. I can taste the stories to come. Yes, Laura, I know those recipes qualify as baking!

Much love.

Yes, it's true!

The word is out. Keith, Sam and I have decided to add to our family through adoption. Keith and I have talked about this for months (maybe years). When we knew that we were truly ready, we talked to Sam. In an effort to keep this sweet and to the point, I will only say that the decision was unanimous. Yay! Phew! Yay!

So, in thinking of all of you and the obvious questions and wonderings you would have in regard to this exciting and wonderful (we think!) decision, I have decided to try my hand at this blog idea. I have to be honest in sharing that I have no idea what I am doing, but why should that stop me!?!

If this (blog) becomes more than a one shot deal, I would love to share the story of the night we sat around the dinner table and first talked with Sam about adoption and what that might mean for our family. I can at least tell you this, it was a conversation we will not soon forget, and it brings JOY to my heart whenever I think about it.

Well, I thought I would use this first post to bring you up to speed on where we have been and where we are.

When we made the decision to pursue adoption, I set right out to learn everything there was to learn. I made calls, surfed every website I came across, talked to anyone I knew who was remotely connected to the adoption world. I was immediately fascinated (and a little obsessed) with everything I learned, and the more I learned, the more questions I had. What is the process? Who are the children? What is the timeframe? I quickly discovered that I knew very little about International Adoption, and I wanted to inhale it all in one breath. I couldn't. Thank goodness. Keith soon reminded me that this was a marathon, and not a sprint. Now that I have slowed myself, taking it one tenth of a mile at a time, I am also reminded to take a look around. We may be facing a long road, but I believe there will be plenty of moments to stop and absorb.

Oh gosh, I promised Mom if I did this that I would not write a novel... and here I am well onto the first chapter!

Let me share the details we are most often asked about:

After hooking up with an agency near home, we began to collect a small mountain of paperwork. I have been reassured that this is only the beginning of paperwork to come. Lucky for us, my schedule makes tracking down legal documents more manageable. Right before the first document was notarized (thank you, Padre), we began to share our news with our dear family and friends. What can we say? You have always been supportive and loving in our lives, and have shown us only the same again. We are so blessed.

What else? Let's see. We attended adoption education classes. The classes were great. I think that had a lot to do with our fabulous teacher, and the truly lovely people we were lucky enough to attend with. We have also started our "Home Study". We have a case worker assigned to our family. Sue. She has been to the house once already. We felt very comfortable with her. She will come back again next week. She sort of has the control over when the next steps can happen. Once she has written her report on our family (only slighlty nerve wracking), we will be able to move forward into what is the heart and soul of the adoption. Once we are there, I will explain in more detail.

For now, we are planning to adopt a girl from Guatemala. I say "planning to" because we know that things can change. We imagine that she will be younger than a year old, but again, can't say for sure. We only know that, one day,we will be bringing our daughter home and she will be so loved. Is it possible to love someone you have not even met yet?

We are happy, we are nervous, and we continue to feel truly blessed.
If posting this information is helpful and/or interesting to you, I will do my best to keep it up to date as things occur.

Oh, and about the name of this blog.... I will post the story that lead to that soon. For me, it was yet another way that Sam reassured me that he is going to be a wonderful big brother.

Thank you each for your support now, and for that which I know we will need down the road.
Much love.